With the exception of my class assignments, I don't tend to do the whole blogging thing, and I really don't do the whole "wear my heart on my sleeve" thing. My own mother has said about me, "You'll never know what Marissa is really thinking." I just don't believe in bothering others (except for a very select few friends whom I both treasure for dealing with my emotional roller-coasters, and deeply apologize to for the same reason). The reason I'm writing this is because I have felt very moved lately by the changes that I have begun to witness in my life.
When I left Grove City College almost 10 months ago, I was not the person I am today. I was still a child or, at least, I was still a college student (now I might argue that those terms are interchangeable). I went to class every day in my bubble, while vehemently disputing that I was a part of the bubble. My schedule was set, I knew what to expect, and things were easy.
Because of this, when I graduated I felt completely lost. I felt like a fish out of water, desperately trying to cling to the college life I had known, all the while seeing it pass through my fingers like the finest grains of sand. I was in a dark place, the darkest, perhaps, that I had been in in a long time. I tried to cling on to friendships that were already miles behind me due, in part, to a 8.5" x 11" piece of paper.
A degree isn't just confirmation that you've graduated college, it is, in many ways, the thing that signifies your new life, and builds a wall between the new and the old. College just won't make sense anymore. The things I cared about in May of 2015 bear little to no significance in March of 2016. Petty drama, who's dating who, what x said about y......it just doesn't matter any more. I can no longer bring myself to care (i.e. that one rule in How I Met Your Mother, "8 or higher, bro.")
You know what starts mattering? Real Life. The future, professionally and personally. The friends who stick by you and the people you love. Bills (ew). Your perception of yourself changes radically because, in a way, it's game time. This is no longer a drill. If you mess up, you can't retake the class. You can probably fix it, but it's on an entirely different level.
One of the biggest things I have learned, coming out of the Grove City environment, is that faith matters (beyond the slogan of the school's latest fundraising movement). In Grove City, I kinda took that for granted. I knew that the Grove City way wasn't the way of the world, but it has become so much more real.
When I left Grove City I was, inwardly, a lot of people that I didn't like. I was petty, I held grudges, and I was childish. I was not myself and maybe this wasn't apparent to anyone else (or maybe it was), but it was very apparent to me. I was in a dark place, and I had to figure out what it meant to be an adult, and put childish things behind me. And to do this, I had to turn to the thing that I had taken for granted for 4 years: my faith. Luckily, God has this great way of never being too far, even when I don't know where to turn and, lucky for me, one of the many promises in the Bible is "you will seek me, and you will find me when you seek me with all your heart" (Jeremiah 29:13). When I put aside my stubbornness and began to look for hope in the right places, my entire perspective shifted.
Recently I came across a verse that has become very real to me. The verse is 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." That entire verse is significant to me, but lately the first part has become particularly prevalent. In some translations "Rejoice aways" is translated "Always be joyful." "Joyful," what a powerful and beautiful word! I know it's not always easy, I'm the first person to fall into my own emotional dark pit, but lately I've started choosing joy and let me tell you, joy changes everything. My heart is light, I don't feel weighed down...those people that I saw in myself that I didn't like are fading. And that's good....I don't want to be any of them anymore.
I got a cross tattoo on my wrist a few months ago. I've wanted it for a while, and I got it for a very specific reason. I got it for the purpose of reminding myself that the things I do, I do out of love for God. My purpose in life, in all things, is to be Christian and a servant. Every thing I should do should be a reflection of that, and, let's be real- I fail. I fail a lot. But my tattoo is my permanent reminder that jogs my mind back to where it should be, and it's going to be there forever.
10 months after graduation, I know who I am, or rather, I'm getting to where I want to be within myself. I'm fighting my demons and my doubts every day of my life, and I'm winning because I know I chose the right side. And I think that if you're reading this and you're also struggling, you need to know that it's okay. You're allowed to struggle and fight, and you're allowed to fall. When you hit rock bottom you have no where to go but up. Just don't let yourself stay there, alone in the darkness. Don't let yourself be consumed by hatred for yourself or others, by doubt, by darkness, or by feelings of unworthiness, because you are worthy. It's easy to believe the lie that you aren't, it's a lot harder to fight back but I promise you, there is light.
I'm going to end this odd little introspection with something that I once heard said and I've never forgotten-- "A faith you have to fight for every day is a faith that lasts. A hard won faith is a strong faith."
